When are you... having kids?

Mmmm. Have you ever been asked this question? Or any question similar (i.e. - when are you getting married, switching to a "grown-up" job, etc)? This particular question continues to plague young married couples all over - especially those within the church. I'm in the phase of life where I think I get hit with this one at least once a week. And each time new emotions pop up. And while it could be uncomfortable, I'm learning why this question (and questions like these) bring up all sorts of emotions, and how to respond to such questions with grace. If you can relate - keep reading.

Why this question is bothersome to me:

The question assumes :

1. You want to have kids.

However, some couples have decided that they don't want to have kids. Unfortunately, this decision seems to be frowned upon in Christian culture - viewed as immature, silly, or selfish. However, I think it's important to acknowledge its validity! Let's cheer on those couples who have the wisdom to recognize all that comes with parenthood and to choose what's right for their own family - whatever they decide!

2. You are physically able to have kids.

Infertility is more common than we realize. Studies show that after a year of trying to get pregnant 12-15% of couples are unable to conceive. In addition, even "fertile" couples risk the chance of miscarriage. Studies show that somewhere between 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's important to recognize that while the question "when are you having kids?", could be frustrating to some, it could also be hurtful or even triggering to others.

3. You should have kids (and probably sooner than later)

This is the reason I resonate with most. A story for you -

Last week my husband and I were at a church evening picnic, surrounded by many families and close friends. In a field nearby, many of the children and their parents were playing games. A man seated near us turned to talk - "We have so many kids in our church! Before you know it, you guys will have some running around too! You'll have such cute kids!" While this comment was meant as a compliment and a gesture of kindness - it fell flat. As he said these words, I sat there in physical pain. My cervix was still cramping from the copper IUD put in only a few hours before the event. This was a choice thoughtfully made by my husband and I. We'd decided to spend more time together (just the 2 of us) before allowing little ones to enter the picture.

I share these thoughts not to shame those who have asked this question or questions like these but to provide another perspective on how certain questions can affect others. My heart is that we approach one another with empathy. Being aware of how our words can affect others can help us do that better!

So how should you respond to these kinds of questions?

Recently a favorite author of mine Jordan Lee Dooley addressed how to answer "intrusive" questions with grace, here were some of her suggestions:

- "It's personal and I'm going to keep it private for now."

- "I'll keep you updated as I feel comfortable sharing."

- "We'll see!" (this one is a personal favorite of mine - that I use quite often!)

- Ask about them (changing the subject to let someone talk about themselves!)

Dooley ties all these suggestions together with the following conclusion:

"Try to give grace - most people who ask personal questions aren't trying to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. As hard as it can be, try to remember that 9/10 times, they're just trying to make conversation and may not understand why they're invasive... Give grace, gently explain why the question isn't appropriate or simply redirect the conversation. Remain calm to control the direction of the discussion going forward."

Hope this post inspires you to live with empathy and grace!

Warmly,

Audrey