The messy bits.

Before you begin this post - please know I hesitated in posting it - simply because it leaves me feeling vulnerable. But I trust that you, my reader, will read it while also holding a space of grace for me to be human and honest with you.

So far, this school-year has been a messy one for me. It seems that a year ago at this time I had a clearer vision for my life and the fulfillment of my passions, as well as a greater capacity to pour out love to the people in my life. Do you ever hit seasons of your life where you feel you've run dry in spirit, in love, and in passion?

It seems, in this season, the joyful passion that usually accompanies my work has been swallowed up by the stress of stretching beyond my capacity. Have you ever felt this way? I have been especially frustrated by all the things outside of my control that make my work more difficult.

The other evening, when meeting with some of the ladies from my church small group, a friend asked me - "Brittany, are you okay?" Without a word escaping my lips, tears rolled down my cheeks. I think the tears were partially caused by the tiresome school-year, but also pent-up emotion from the last 2 and half years we've had. All that weariness hit at the same time. I was weary - of broken systems, long work days - weary of feeling angry and of being needed. I was tired of sicknesses and restrictions, of closed store fronts and "help wanted" signs, of tense political conversations, of living in a nation filled with the fear of loosing its "rights," but void of empathy.

As I stand on the other side of this moment - I don't know quite how to move forward. If I move forward with cheerfulness and joy, I feel I am being untrue to myself and the current circumstances, but if I stay in the lurch of my emotions, I know I am destined for darkness. What does it look like to move forward with honesty, but also filled with faith? With hope? With love?

We've been studying the book Jeremiah in my church small group (yes - the same group I burst into tear in front of). It seems Jeremiah led a life that was brutally honest and God-fearing, but also at times filled with turmoil and plenty of discouragement. What amazes me about Jeremiah is that he walks and talks with God in such a genuine manner. He started out prayers with "You pushed me into this God and I let you do this... I'm worn out from trying to hold it in, I can't do it any longer." Yet after he wrote these words - he continued on prophesying for the next 20-30 years - still clinging to God even after these moments of feeling overwhelmed and overrun, returning back to the truth, "But God, a most fierce Warrior, is at my side."

I'm not fully on the other side of this difficult season, but trusting that God is by my side every step of the way. In the uncertainty, I know that I draw from a Well that is deeper than myself.