How do you handle disappointment?

The air was cool, as the sun was buried itself below the mountains in the distance. Locals were chattering nearby as they soaked up the last moments of their weekend sipping up their Sunday evening drinks. Some close friends and I had gathered to catch up after a few busy weeks of full schedules. They don't warn you that friendships change when you get older - that a regular meet-up or hangout may only occur every other week if you're lucky... We were all in stages of transition which kept the schedules more busy than usual.

As we talked, my friends asked about how it was going with work - with searching for something new. If you've kept up with my story, you know I've been wrestling with the idea of leaving education for a while now.

This last school year has held so many frustrations, joys, and tears. The past few months have left me feeling void of the sense of "calling" I'd once had for teaching. And with that, confusion and disappointment has filled its place. As a result, I've been praying for new opportunities and wondering if this could be God leading me away from my profession as an educator in the public school system.

So as we talked, I shared about all the "closed doors" in my job hunt recently:

- Lack of subbing opportunities to teach yoga

- Personal connections I'd built with prospective job opportunities that fell through

- Rejections from ed-tech jobs that I'd applied for

- Lack of peace about returning to my current teaching role

After sharing, a friend asked me, "Brittany, I'm curious, how do you deal with disappointment?"

My initial response was one of logic. Each of these "closed doors" felt a bit like rejection, but also gave me some clarity about the future. But as I thought more about it later, I realized each rejection led to feelings of disappointment and the emerging question of "What am I lacking?" This brought up feelings of sadness and at times even anger.

At the same time, an additional response has emerged. As I've sought out new opportunities, there has been a consistent, but quiet whisper from God's Spirit - "Be still." This phrase is taken from Psalm 46 - a psalm of David after a victory in battle, when the Lord had given Him rest. I'd encourage you to read the entire chapter for context. Matthew Henry comments on these verses sharing more insight behind David's words,

"Though we be depressed, yet let us not be dejected, for we are sure that God will be exalted, and that may satisfy us; he will work for his great name, and then no matter what becomes of our little names. When we pray, Father, glorify thy name, we ought to exercise faith upon the answer given to that prayer when Christ himself prayed it, I have both glorified it and I will glorify it yet again. Amen, Lord, so be it." (Matthew Henry)

As I acknowledge the benefits and hardships of these "closed doors" I am studying God's character to understand what hope and joy look like in the midst of uncertainty. Some helpful tools along the way:

1. The gospel of John: this gospel specifically highlights the deity of Christ, while also presenting how humanly and intimately he grew in relationship with all kinds of people. He was fully human, fully God, and fully in relationship with His Father and with men. We've been reading through this book in my church small group, and its truths have been a constant encouragement.

2. Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shire: This book that highlights the importance of connection to God's Word, His Spirit and others when discerning God's will for your future.

3. What If It's Wonderful? by Nicole Zasowki: This is a recent read that highlights some of the ideas discussed above, but dives into the idea of the "discipline of celebration." That are deepest places of brokenness can become our places of restoration! It also highlights the importance of hope when living in seasons filled with uncertainty.

"Hope is not the denial of the cost. It honors the painful reality but does not fall to fear because it knows that what we can see is not all there is. Hope celebrates God's promises and delights in what is possible with Him." (Nicole Zasowki)

So what can I celebrate here and now in this season? What can I find hope in?

1. The history of the faithfulness of God - Scripture, history, and my own personal story recounts unending stories of His faithfulness to bring Himself glory using His children

2. My support system - friends, family, church community, my mentor, and multiple prayer warriors who continue to pray for God's will for my life

3. My current job - though it has its challenges, I'm here for next several months, and I want to be as present as possible. How can I savor my last few months in this place?

4. A new part-time job - I recently received a new job as a development director for an early-childhood education program at my church. It brought so much joy and fulfillment. Its amazing to see how the Lord is growing and providing for this ministry! A testimony of his faithfulness!

As I celebrate these blessings, I am recognizing they are simply acts of God's goodness and character, rather than a reward for my hard work. Zasowski articulates this well as she says,

"I no longer see His blessing as a reward that is given on the other side of a good performance. I see His gifts as a reflection of His goodness and grace, instead of a prize for my own goodness and grit. .. I now know the inimitable joy of connecting deeply with God and others instead of trying to get them to clap for me."

That last sentence is a hard one. But I'm praying it will be true for my heart. Dear Lord, help me to live a life of celebration, trust, and joy knowing you are a Giver of good gifts.